How Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Will End
by podge17
Summary: THE FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN HARRY AND VOLDEMORT! Includes: Sharks, Weird Noses, Resurrection, Swords, Explosions, and much, much more! Crack!Fic. HUMOROUS. Review!


I WAS SEVERELY BORED WHEN WRITING THIS. I DON'T OWN IT, SO DON'T SUE ME.

How Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Will End:

Harry, with the help of Ron, Hermione, and Remus, had managed to destroy all of the horcrux's. He had originally not intended to tell Remus, but, well, these things happen. After Sirius had died, he was the last fatherly type figure. After that, he'd just have to give it up and face it that yes, he WAS an orphan. McGonagall was in Hogwarts, Snape had been banished, Dumbledore was DEAD, Ginny was doing her 6th year in Hogwarts, Percy was being stupid, Fred and George were manning the jokeshop, Bill was on his honeymoon with Fleur, Charlie was in Romania, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were doing Orderish type things, Kingsley Shacklebolt was…um…well, lets just say he died, and er, that's about it I think. I'm pretty sure I covered everybody. And everyone that I left out, we're just going to assume that they're dead. Okay? Okay.

So anyway, the foursome walked onto a battlefield.

"What are we doing here?" asked Ron.

"Ohhhhh, Ronnie-kins I _luuuuuurve_ you!" said Hermione, with big starry eyes. They had to be big because, really, she had stars in her eyes. Her hair was smoking.

"Lovely weather." said Remus blandly.

"You're right Ron, why _are_ we here?" asked Harry.

"How does that make me right?" choked out Ron, trying to release himself from Hermione, who had grasped him tight and was refusing to let go.

Harry shrugged.

"Ya know," he said, looking at Lupin. "I heard there was gonna be 7 full moons a month now."

"OH WELL THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT." said Remus, thoroughly pissed off.

Suddenly, dark clouds rolled in, and Voldemort descended from the sky surrounded by angels.

As soon as they landed, Voldemort killed them all. "I knew this was a bad choice!" squeaked the little midget angel, who had hidden in Voldemort's pants so he wasn't killed.

"I DON'T THINK THAT WAS VERY NICE LANGUAGE!" he called to Remus.

"Aw crap!" said Remus.

"Voldemort! My name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. And my mother. _And _my godfather! AND Dumbledore! And lots of other people! Prepare to die!" said Harry, advancing towards him with a hugeass sword in his hand.

"O-kay…that's nice." He said, pointing his wand at Ron, and blasting him into little bits for the fun of it.

"YOU KILLED MY MAN!" shrieked Hermione, and jumped on Voldemort, punching him in the face repeatedly. "Ew!!! You're nose is _weird!_" she said. She jumped up, dancing around him in circles and pointing. "Voldy has a weird nose! Voldy has a weird nose! Voldy has a weiAHHH!" and then she died, because Voldemort was getting really pissed off now.

Harry was still walking at a snails pace towards Voldemort with a hugeass sword. Remus looked up at the sky and saw a waxing gibbous. "Oh well, good enough." he shrugged, and turned into a werewolf.

He ran at Voldemort and tore open his face, but then Voldemort punched him in the nose and eyes and gills, and Remus swam away. Because, well, he had turned into a shark. It is a mystery. Maybe because he didn't transform at the right time? Meh.

Now Voldemort was a werewolf too! But only Remus could transform on a gibbous being the unlucky bastard that he is, so Voldemort couldn't kill Harry by those means just yet.

"THANKS A LOT, LUPIN!" he shouted at Remus, who had turned into a shark about thirty minutes ago and was swimming around the battlefield. But, alas, he could not swim for very long on land, and beached himself.

Harry speared Shark!Lupin and threw him at Voldemort. Which was very bad as even though he was beached he was still alive. Stupid Harry. "You bitch…" were his NOW dying words.

"My bad." said Harry.

So, anyways, Voldemort got a shark thrown at him.

"I'm allergic to shark you bitch!" he screamed, as his weird pasty skin turned red with infection, because he was DEATHLY allergic to sharks. "Avada Kedavra!"

But Harry was all swift and stuff so he dodged the spell. "MY NAME IS HARRY POTTER! YOU KILLED MY FATHER and etcetera but we'll just forget about them now. PREPARE TO DIE!"

"I KNOW I KILLED HIM, YOU IDJIT!" barked Voldemort, annoyed, suddenly in a pirates uniform with a hugeass moustache. "WTF?" he said, replacing it with robes.

"MY NAME IS HARRY POTTER! YOU KILLED MY FATHER! PREPARE TO DIE!"

Voldemort rolled his weird red eyes, and said "Avada Kedavra!" because Harry was being annoying and he had a date with Bellatrix in a half hour and wanted to look nice.

Just as the spell was about to hit, Sirius came back to life and stood in front of Harry. He took the spell, and died again.

Harry tripped over his godfather's body and impaled himself with the sword.

Voldy was really pissed. Because after Harry had died he had done a little happy dance because, well, he was DEAD. FINALLY. It was then that he realized that Harry had killed himself out of sheer stupidity and that he hadn't killed him. Then, he resumed doing a happy dance that got faster and faster and faster because HA! He would rule! And then his wand got shoved up his nose in the process of frenzied dancing and he damaged his brain so badly that he lapsed into a coma.

THE END.

Special thanks to Lizardz94, because some of these ideas that I put in this story we came up with during random conversation. Speaking of Lizardz94, she will probably FLAME me because I killed off Remus –tugs at collar-. Also thanks to the princess bride, cause that's a cool movie. AND Peter and the Starcatchers, because if you've ever read that book then you'll realize that at one point in this weirdass oneshot Voldemort turned into Black Stache.

REVIEW!

THE SECOND END.


End file.
